How to Plan a Funeral

1. Act out life of deceased in lengthy theatrical production, and end the show with their death which is when you can wheel in their corpse.


2. Have separate section for criers, or those likely to become criers. People hate being around criers at funerals, and it is important you make people feel comfortable so they will enjoy things properly.


3. Have an auction of the deceased valuables at the wake, and keep the money to pay for expenses. This will provide guests with the bonus of having a souvenir from the deceased’s life.


4. A funeral is a marvelous time to unload unpleasant tasks that your family doesn’t want to do, pertaining to the deceased. For example, arrange a raffle and have a draw out of people who are present to choose who will adopt the deceased’s obese cat or outspoken parakeet. Any other draw could be to clean their pool, cut their grass or even pay their hydro bill. People will be uncomfortable with saying no to a grieving family in a large crowd and you would be stupid not to take advantage of this.


5. Having all of your family members in the same place is a great opportunity to place bets. For example, you could have a pool and ask people who they think will be the next to die. This can be especially fun if you put your money on your stupid 26 year old nephew, because if he does die you will receive an enormous payout.


NOTE: statistics have shown that typically when someone’s spouse dies when they are elderly, the other spouse is 5-8 years behind so if you want a sure thing at grandpa’s funeral, pick grandma.

How to- Prepare for a Vacation

First How-to of 2011

The long, uneventful winter months are approaching, and we thought a good kick off to the year would be to provide you with advice on how to ensure your loved ones are well cared for while you are on vacation, as many of us will be travelling in the up and coming months.
The following is a list provided by myself to my sister who will be cat sitting for me while I am out of the country. You will notice the attention to detail, and avid instructions I provided her to use while watching my cat.
Please feel free to use this as a template of your own when leaving your pets/children in the care of others. Your children and pets will thank you.

Bacon’s Babysitter List

1.      Since it is Ramadan, and Bacon’s current girlfriend is Muslim (Manjula), he is not eating anything between dawn and dusk in order to sympathize with her religion. You will need to set an alarm every night, twice a night, so he can eat after the sun goes down. Usually he will eat from 1-2am and 5-6am. Should you try and feed him during the day, he will consider this to be extremely discriminatory and likely try and kill you in your sleep.

2.      Bacon’s Mealtime Specifications: Bacon must always eat before you, do not eat anything until he is done. Do not watch him eat, however you must sit at the same table as him.  He likes to listen to Ray Charles when he is eating, however he absolutely hates Jamie Foxx so don’t try putting the Ray soundtrack on or he will know and refuse to eat.

3.      Everyday at noon, Bacon watches two episodes of Sponge bob Square pants (while wearing his square pants). He absolutely hates reruns so be sure to only show him new episodes. If there aren’t any on he also enjoys the clever wit of Fraser.

4.      Bacon is allergic to the following items, so be sure and wash your hand vigorously if you touch any of them before being anywhere near him:

-       Lemur milk

-       Kiehls cucumber moisturizer

-       No name brand animal by product meat sticks

-       Things made of hemp

-       People with red hair

5.      As a result of something that happened to him as an infant- Bacon is absolutely terrified of albino chimps. Most of the albino chimps in the area have migrated South however our neighbour Matilda has several.  Be on the lookout for them, and if they come into the yard, scare them away with the tennis racket by the back door.

6.      A lady will come by the house at 2 on Saturday, to massage Bacon and trim his whiskers. If you pay her an extra 15 $ she will massage you too, however she specializes in cats so be sure and tell her in advance you don’t want her using the tuna massage oil. No matter what, if you do decide to let her massage you, keep your clothes on. Trust us.

7.      Bacon is not racist; however he is uncomfortable around people who aren’t wasps (white Anglo Saxon protestant).  If you do need a labourer, we obviously understand that visible minorities are the way to go in terms of price, so just make sure Bacon doesn’t see them ( give him a live mouse or chipmunk and he will be distracted long enough for them to get the job done).  FYI he also hates the elderly and anyone with a lot of moles.

8.      Bacon does not like heights, so please refrain from taking him up in a helicopter or plane, for a hot air balloon ride, in the CN tower, on a ski lift or on any amusement park rides higher than 20 ft tall.

9.      Doing his business: Because of those f#*&ing Charmin advertisements, Bacon has started using toilet paper. Because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs, he needs considerable help with this.

Usually I spend my Sundays cutting out perfectly symmetrical squares of kitty sized tp pieces- anything less than 3 ply and you are in for a world of “I guess ill have to live with little white pieces all over my ass” and “is it too much to ask to not have constant will-nots?”

Bacon will do his business and summon you with a bell when he is done. Go downstairs and grab a square or two of tp and delicately moisten them with a mixture of essential oils, water and gentle cleanser we will have premixed for you (you’re welcome).

You will need to wipe his bottom counter clockwise and he will let you know when he is done by walking away from you. Do not discuss this with him, before, during or after and do not look him in the eyes for at least an hour after.

Typically after a bowel movement, Bacon likes to have a sarsaparilla and a cigar; however he recently quit smoking so just the sarsaparilla will be fine.

10.     Bedtime: The house mustn’t be warmer than 64 degrees, and if it is you will need to place a fan on medium setting adjacent to wherever Bacon is sleeping for the night. He likes soothing ocean noises, and since his CD of these broke you will need to make them yourself. Seagull, whale, waves, wind, and fish will be fine. If he wakes up in the night (which he will twice to eat) you will need to make the noises again so he can get back to sleep. He may require a story before bed, and he likes comic books, which Brian has many of beside our bed. He claims to have once seen ‘a guy who looks just like Bigfoot’ in our yard, and looks for him every night before bed, so you will need to pretend to hunt for him also for Bacon’s comfort level.

Bacon will need to hear both our voices before bed, so call us on Brian’s cell phone and leave the room. This way Bacon will be able to tell us if you aren’t following the list to his specifications in private.

General Things you should know:

-       Bacon weighs nine pounds, however he is very sensitive about this so under no circumstance should you discuss this with him

-       He is still pretty shook up about 911 so don’t talk about that either.

-       He is not allowed on the internet at all, as he orders stuff on there all the time that he can’t afford ( don’t let him near your credit card).

-       Try not to talk about yourself too much, this bores him. Try to bring up interesting subjects that he enjoys, like yarn, tuna, fur, birds, mice, meowing and Garfield.

-       Bacon doesn’t know he was adopted- so don’t mention it to him please.

Emergency Contact Numbers:

911- Police, Ambulance, Fire

Bacon’s shrink- Angela Mattsson-Mercer. 1-800-673-2459

Bacon’s Spa- First Choice Haircutters. (519) 524-1273

Suicide Hotline- 1-800-448-3000

Kitty Outreach Program- 1-800-95KITTY

-       Bacon volunteers here on Sundays from 1-3 and since he had his licence revoked you will need to drive him there.