1. Act out life of deceased in lengthy theatrical production, and end the show with their death which is when you can wheel in their corpse.
2. Have separate section for criers, or those likely to become criers. People hate being around criers at funerals, and it is important you make people feel comfortable so they will enjoy things properly.
3. Have an auction of the deceased valuables at the wake, and keep the money to pay for expenses. This will provide guests with the bonus of having a souvenir from the deceased’s life.
4. A funeral is a marvelous time to unload unpleasant tasks that your family doesn’t want to do, pertaining to the deceased. For example, arrange a raffle and have a draw out of people who are present to choose who will adopt the deceased’s obese cat or outspoken parakeet. Any other draw could be to clean their pool, cut their grass or even pay their hydro bill. People will be uncomfortable with saying no to a grieving family in a large crowd and you would be stupid not to take advantage of this.
5. Having all of your family members in the same place is a great opportunity to place bets. For example, you could have a pool and ask people who they think will be the next to die. This can be especially fun if you put your money on your stupid 26 year old nephew, because if he does die you will receive an enormous payout.
NOTE: statistics have shown that typically when someone’s spouse dies when they are elderly, the other spouse is 5-8 years behind so if you want a sure thing at grandpa’s funeral, pick grandma.
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