How to Compose a Prenuptial Agreement

After covering the boring practical items, you should move on to fun ideas, being as half of all marriages end in divorce being heavily gifted with hilarious items will lesson the sting of what is likely to be one of many divorces for you.

For example, a fun stipulation may be that they purchase you a pleasure craft should your marriage end- or perhaps several large friendly ponies or monkeys. Not only will the expense of this ridiculous demand enrage your former spouse, it will bring you hours of joy and amusement  


Other fun ideas may include prepaid vacations, matching vespas for you and your new spouse, having them agree to star in a series of humiliating YouTube videos where they are tarred and feathered, eat nail clippings or soil themselves.
Have them consent to ONLY you being allowed to cut their hair for a year after you separate, and on their wedding day should they ever have another. 
Self improvement for yourself will mean you grow personally as a result of your divorce, so have your prenup include classes your former spouse pays for, such as Spanish lessons, cooking classes or dance lessons. 
Be sure to include holiday clauses, for example one that centres on Christmastime, where they must provide a plump goose, 500 dollars cash, 4 bottles of any booze you like and an overpriced Santa keepsake figurine which you smash in front of them every year until one of you dies.
Some other excellent ideas:


the other person must have wax replica of themselves made for you to use however you wish- perhaps for target practice, or to bury in coffin in backyard as a reminder of the death of your marriage
their heirlooms ALL go to you if you split ( includes all current and future cremation ashes)
all pets shared during marriage that are alive AND that are deceased and buried- go to you after divorce- if already buried they are to be transported to facility of your choosing
 they have to give you their soul on piece of paper
 transfer of talent- if they learned guitar- or perhaps to make goulash- you take selected skills with you that they acquired with marraige
custody of washrooms, grocery stores, parks, roads, sidewalks, sewers (only your waste is allowed to traverse certain pipelines as to avoid contact), post offices, restaurants, conveneice stores and of course dentists.
 you get their family plots- regardless of whether they are yours- to do as you will on them. perhaps this is where you can transfer deceased pets remains, or host very exclusive parties
spouse must consent to living without things they love like a certain pie or perhaps electricity
person who divorces you must adopt a cat and raise it in your likeness. it must have your name, the same clothes and eat same food as you.
if they are the one who requests a divorce they must arrive at the your house in a genie costume- prepared to grant a wish of ANY sort. (excluding wishing for more wishes)
should they ever remarry you get to be their wedding singer

99 Things to do with a Bucket of Blood

1. Throw it on someone

2. Donate it to a blood bank

3. Bottle it and sell it at a twilight premiere

4. Paint a room with it

5. Splash it on random pavement/grass/park benches to create panic

6. Make blood salsa

7. Dump it on yourself and run screaming through a public place

8. Marinade steak in it

9. Sell it on the internet

10. Dump it in a public toilet

11. Run a hose into it and make a blood sprinkler

12. Have a blood party- blood punch, blood dips, blood face painting

13. Take or give a blood bath

14. Add flour- use blood paste to make blood pants

15. Make blood water balloons throw them at cars on the highway

16. Dump it in the ocean near someone you hate

17. Throw it on someone wearing fur

18. Squeeze yourself a refreshing glass of blemonade

19. Throw on abortion billboard

20. Made blood sausage (which actually exists)

21. Tie dye clothing with it

22. Take it to a little league game and dump it on the game winning child

23. Put it in a briefcase and leave it at the airport

24. Make a blood piñata

25. Trick religious officials that it is seeping from a fountain in your yard

26. Pickle miscellaneous items in it

27. Use as sidewalk de-icer

28. Host a party and fill your guest’s shoes with it
29. Fill a super soaker with it and spray the elderly
30.  Use as a prop to re-enact your birth
31. Make a blood casserole for someone (ensure there is a deceiving crust on top).
32. Fill someone’s radiator with blood

33. Fill a bag with blood and fur and leave under someone’s back tire

34. Mail the sack of blood to the set of two and a half men

35. Fill bath tub in a friend’s hotel room with blood

36. Fill a pressure washer with it spray your neighbours house

37. Replace ketchup in bottles in a restaurant with blood
38. Fill a recycling bin for a fun surprise for the sanitation department

39. Cover the inside and outside of a car in the blood and human hair and leave around town for amusement
40.  At work fill your co-worker’s pockets with blood
41. Throw it on your boss when he fires you for doing #40

42. Fake your own death using the blood

43. Add some to your daily moisturizer for a natural twist

44. Water your plants with the blood

45. Paint a picture with it

46. Give it to a leech for their birthday

47. Freeze it into blood cubes for refreshment

48. Dump on your bed and have a blood orgy in it

49. Mix with hair and make yourself a blood beard

50. Soak tampons, pads, diapers and underwear in it and spread them around town

51. Use it to start your blood bucket collection

52. Fill a fish tank with it, and then fill it with leeches 

53. Boil it and cook noodles in it

54. Spray the emergency room doors to your local hospital in blood

55. Make a blood slip and slide

56. Make a mixture of blood and puke and go to your local water park/theme park and douse as many rides as possible

57. Dump it in someone’s pool

58. Write notes in blood 'the money by 3pm or I kill a hostage' and leave around

59. Dump it into people's vents so when they turn their heat on their house reeks of burnt blood

60. If you have car knowledge, empty someone’s oil and refill with blood

61. Put the blood in a spray bottle and mist your cat with it when he/she is bad

62. Sell to campers as a bear/shark repellent

63. Use it to extinguish a fire

64. Visit the most posh ski resort you can think of and spray the blood all over hills and jumps

65. Freeze and make an enormous blood sculpture out of it that will slowly and horribly melt

66. Take to local nightclub and empty on dance floor

67. Fill 99 bottles with blood. Line them up on the wall. Then take one down and pass it around- (until they are all consumed).

68. Switch it with a carwash soap supply

69. Place pail above doorway so it will fall on whoever enters next

70. Use it to be Carrie for Halloween

71. Pay your lawyer with it; they will accept it if you tell them its toddler blood

72. Buy a coffee at star bucks- sneakily refill with blood and return to the till and scream “is this some kind of a sick joke?”

73. Put in vials and sell as various celebrities’ blood

74. Soak a rag in blood and mail to someone you hate

75. Dump on rocks in a sauna for a soothing blood steam

76. Take it as your date to the movies.

77. Fill a kiddie pool with blood and swim around in it on a hot day

78. Soak it up with the world’s largest tampon; turn it into a roadside attraction in Nevada

79. Add vodka to it and spend the night enjoying it with friends

80. Put it in a clear tank on the side of the road with a hose in it and sign that says ‘bloodletting- 5$’.

81. Keep it in your living room and tell people you demanded that your brother supply with it so you could be blood brothers and giving you the amount he did killed him so you keep it to remember him.

82. Switch the blood with the communion wine at church- people will consider this a miracle

83. Fill needles with it and inject it into your co-worker’s oranges and bananas

84. Place a small amount in the seat of your pants every morning, this will gain you sick days without question

85. Use it to teach children about menstruation

86. Dye it green and give out in shots on St. Patrick’s Day

87. Soak knives in blood and leave hilarious places. Ie. On the bus, at MacDonald’s

88. Dump in parking lot outside local dentistry school in winter

89. Paint your basement windows with it, with handprints and help spelled out backwards

90. Return it to Wal-mart claiming to have purchased it earlier and lost the receipt

91. Dip your hand in it throughout the day and leave bloody handprints around your office.

92. Attend a funeral and encourage everyone to take a shot of the deceased’s blood

93. Spray it out the back of your car to foil enemies in a car chase

94. Gulp a huge mouthful of it and spit it out in public

95. Keep in laws at bay- store it in your guest room in jars with plastic frogs, eyeballs and snakes

96. Take the pail everywhere with you and tell people you use the pail to ‘catch’ your nosebleeds

97. Give yourself a blood enema

98. Pour on your roof, and then hire someone to clean your gutters

99. Drink the entire bucket on youtube to gain fame and fortune

How to Plan a Funeral

1. Act out life of deceased in lengthy theatrical production, and end the show with their death which is when you can wheel in their corpse.


2. Have separate section for criers, or those likely to become criers. People hate being around criers at funerals, and it is important you make people feel comfortable so they will enjoy things properly.


3. Have an auction of the deceased valuables at the wake, and keep the money to pay for expenses. This will provide guests with the bonus of having a souvenir from the deceased’s life.


4. A funeral is a marvelous time to unload unpleasant tasks that your family doesn’t want to do, pertaining to the deceased. For example, arrange a raffle and have a draw out of people who are present to choose who will adopt the deceased’s obese cat or outspoken parakeet. Any other draw could be to clean their pool, cut their grass or even pay their hydro bill. People will be uncomfortable with saying no to a grieving family in a large crowd and you would be stupid not to take advantage of this.


5. Having all of your family members in the same place is a great opportunity to place bets. For example, you could have a pool and ask people who they think will be the next to die. This can be especially fun if you put your money on your stupid 26 year old nephew, because if he does die you will receive an enormous payout.


NOTE: statistics have shown that typically when someone’s spouse dies when they are elderly, the other spouse is 5-8 years behind so if you want a sure thing at grandpa’s funeral, pick grandma.

How to- Prepare for a Vacation

First How-to of 2011

The long, uneventful winter months are approaching, and we thought a good kick off to the year would be to provide you with advice on how to ensure your loved ones are well cared for while you are on vacation, as many of us will be travelling in the up and coming months.
The following is a list provided by myself to my sister who will be cat sitting for me while I am out of the country. You will notice the attention to detail, and avid instructions I provided her to use while watching my cat.
Please feel free to use this as a template of your own when leaving your pets/children in the care of others. Your children and pets will thank you.

Bacon’s Babysitter List

1.      Since it is Ramadan, and Bacon’s current girlfriend is Muslim (Manjula), he is not eating anything between dawn and dusk in order to sympathize with her religion. You will need to set an alarm every night, twice a night, so he can eat after the sun goes down. Usually he will eat from 1-2am and 5-6am. Should you try and feed him during the day, he will consider this to be extremely discriminatory and likely try and kill you in your sleep.

2.      Bacon’s Mealtime Specifications: Bacon must always eat before you, do not eat anything until he is done. Do not watch him eat, however you must sit at the same table as him.  He likes to listen to Ray Charles when he is eating, however he absolutely hates Jamie Foxx so don’t try putting the Ray soundtrack on or he will know and refuse to eat.

3.      Everyday at noon, Bacon watches two episodes of Sponge bob Square pants (while wearing his square pants). He absolutely hates reruns so be sure to only show him new episodes. If there aren’t any on he also enjoys the clever wit of Fraser.

4.      Bacon is allergic to the following items, so be sure and wash your hand vigorously if you touch any of them before being anywhere near him:

-       Lemur milk

-       Kiehls cucumber moisturizer

-       No name brand animal by product meat sticks

-       Things made of hemp

-       People with red hair

5.      As a result of something that happened to him as an infant- Bacon is absolutely terrified of albino chimps. Most of the albino chimps in the area have migrated South however our neighbour Matilda has several.  Be on the lookout for them, and if they come into the yard, scare them away with the tennis racket by the back door.

6.      A lady will come by the house at 2 on Saturday, to massage Bacon and trim his whiskers. If you pay her an extra 15 $ she will massage you too, however she specializes in cats so be sure and tell her in advance you don’t want her using the tuna massage oil. No matter what, if you do decide to let her massage you, keep your clothes on. Trust us.

7.      Bacon is not racist; however he is uncomfortable around people who aren’t wasps (white Anglo Saxon protestant).  If you do need a labourer, we obviously understand that visible minorities are the way to go in terms of price, so just make sure Bacon doesn’t see them ( give him a live mouse or chipmunk and he will be distracted long enough for them to get the job done).  FYI he also hates the elderly and anyone with a lot of moles.

8.      Bacon does not like heights, so please refrain from taking him up in a helicopter or plane, for a hot air balloon ride, in the CN tower, on a ski lift or on any amusement park rides higher than 20 ft tall.

9.      Doing his business: Because of those f#*&ing Charmin advertisements, Bacon has started using toilet paper. Because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs, he needs considerable help with this.

Usually I spend my Sundays cutting out perfectly symmetrical squares of kitty sized tp pieces- anything less than 3 ply and you are in for a world of “I guess ill have to live with little white pieces all over my ass” and “is it too much to ask to not have constant will-nots?”

Bacon will do his business and summon you with a bell when he is done. Go downstairs and grab a square or two of tp and delicately moisten them with a mixture of essential oils, water and gentle cleanser we will have premixed for you (you’re welcome).

You will need to wipe his bottom counter clockwise and he will let you know when he is done by walking away from you. Do not discuss this with him, before, during or after and do not look him in the eyes for at least an hour after.

Typically after a bowel movement, Bacon likes to have a sarsaparilla and a cigar; however he recently quit smoking so just the sarsaparilla will be fine.

10.     Bedtime: The house mustn’t be warmer than 64 degrees, and if it is you will need to place a fan on medium setting adjacent to wherever Bacon is sleeping for the night. He likes soothing ocean noises, and since his CD of these broke you will need to make them yourself. Seagull, whale, waves, wind, and fish will be fine. If he wakes up in the night (which he will twice to eat) you will need to make the noises again so he can get back to sleep. He may require a story before bed, and he likes comic books, which Brian has many of beside our bed. He claims to have once seen ‘a guy who looks just like Bigfoot’ in our yard, and looks for him every night before bed, so you will need to pretend to hunt for him also for Bacon’s comfort level.

Bacon will need to hear both our voices before bed, so call us on Brian’s cell phone and leave the room. This way Bacon will be able to tell us if you aren’t following the list to his specifications in private.

General Things you should know:

-       Bacon weighs nine pounds, however he is very sensitive about this so under no circumstance should you discuss this with him

-       He is still pretty shook up about 911 so don’t talk about that either.

-       He is not allowed on the internet at all, as he orders stuff on there all the time that he can’t afford ( don’t let him near your credit card).

-       Try not to talk about yourself too much, this bores him. Try to bring up interesting subjects that he enjoys, like yarn, tuna, fur, birds, mice, meowing and Garfield.

-       Bacon doesn’t know he was adopted- so don’t mention it to him please.

Emergency Contact Numbers:

911- Police, Ambulance, Fire

Bacon’s shrink- Angela Mattsson-Mercer. 1-800-673-2459

Bacon’s Spa- First Choice Haircutters. (519) 524-1273

Suicide Hotline- 1-800-448-3000

Kitty Outreach Program- 1-800-95KITTY

-       Bacon volunteers here on Sundays from 1-3 and since he had his licence revoked you will need to drive him there.